


Bible Wars

by dragontatoes



Category: Christian Bible, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bible, Church Sex, Multi, Organ Transplantation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:53:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23870077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragontatoes/pseuds/dragontatoes
Relationships: Mace Windu/Other(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Bible Wars

Past the main sanctuary, a smaller room remained usually shut up. Amber-stained glass cast a warm glow across the low pile carpet. Dust motes floated in the beams of sunlight. A piano tuned no more recently than half a lifetime ago decorated the far wall. 

A man pushed the door open one Thursday evening with the same vigorous smile as always. Palpatine could imagine no where more fit to discuss the teachings of Jesus Christ.

“Good morning, Padme!” he welcomed in the next visitor.

“It’s 7:30 at night, Palpatine,” she replied, already exhausted. “Why do you only welcome people by saying ‘good morning’?”

Palpatine maintained eye contact, saying nothing, but interrupting his wide smile by licking his chapped lips.

Mace Windu entered, holding Chewbacca’s hand. Rey carried in chairs from the nearby closet.

“There should be enough seating for all of us,” Chewbacca told her.    
She opened one chair and left the others against the wall. “Only those of us that want to sit in this.” She slapped one of the pews, sending up a cloud of powdered skin.

In after them filed Darth, Lando, Luke, Obi Wan, and a newcomer.   
“All in kingdom of are welcome the God, not here why?” Everyone turned their eyes on Pastor Yoda, glistening at the door.

Palpatine’s mouth went dry, then extremely moist.   
“Yes, should beginning be we?”

Nobody in the room was ever entirely at ease with Pastor Yoda present. His way with words was the tip of a scalding hot iceberg. Cascading folds surrounded his powerful eyes, forehead lumps, and sloping chin. No makeup covered these features, for he was too wise to believe they weren’t sexier left nude. His elegant robe was constructed from a burlap potato sack, which he wore over a toddler’s onesie. Strong claws protruded from his agile, wet hands, and one could only imagine how much stronger were those hiding within his extra wide Ugg slippers. A vague scent of pineapples followed the pastor’s every movement.

Luke averted his eyes, daring not to remember his most troubling, most pleasant memories of the two of them alone, when the force had its way through both of them.

Finally, Palpatine broke the silence. “Yyyyyyyes…”

“What is your name?” Padme asked the newcomer, with a twinkle in her eyes. 

“It’s Olo,” they replied. “Ha-”

Luke nodded his head. “Wanna kiss?” he asked Olo.

“Ew, Luke,” Chewbacca said. “Why would you kiss a girl?”

“I’m not a girl,” Olo told them.

Padme laughed. “So what, you’re a  _ boy  _ named Olo?”

“Solo. Han…” they paused, “Solo.”

Now Luke laughed. “You couldn’t tell he’s a guy?”

Padme snapped back. “Olo’s a girl name! Not all of us are force sensitive, jackass.”

Yoda grumbled. “We not do language need that, Padme. Not and are why beginning we?”

“Sorry, Yoda,” she replied sheepishly.

“Nnnnnnnnyellow!” called Jar Jar from the door.

“Get the FUCK OUT, Jar Jar!” bellowed Yoda. Jar Jar got the fuck out.

The room fell silent for a short moment. Yoda opened his bible.

“Begin us let.”


End file.
